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He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Don't you send me to vm
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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