And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.