You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i want to swaddle you in tequila
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
seriously i just wanna be friends
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."