i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
