Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
So is it bad that I'm using this 21 year old for his hot bod and utter naivety?
No its what 21 year olds are made for
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"