Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.