I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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