The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.