Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
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Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
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Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'