apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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