I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
