She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife