Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dating After Heartbreak
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way