found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
tequila makes me forget i have legs
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.