someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am puke
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?