Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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