He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."