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Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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