I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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