i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"