Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told you penises don't tan
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she peed on how many people?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i dont even know how to be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously