I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much