I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.