You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
