Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall