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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
its not stalking. its research.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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