Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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