The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she pinky promised me she was 18
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I checked into jail on foursquare
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?