My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
