two words...techno handjob
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Michael Bay diarrhea
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?