Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you didnt know i had herpes?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food