i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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