My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
babies were throwing up all over the place
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
