they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my being single is dangerous.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
People in love make me want to vomit
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.