I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night