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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
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