Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get