There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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