I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It was confusing and full of hummus
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
one two three fourrrrnication!
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.