there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.