lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Pants 0. Shit 1.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i can juggle bunnies
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses