He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.