Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Small penises have feelings too.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.