my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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