No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?