Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man