I don't usually arrange sex via text message
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
