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I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
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