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my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
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