Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
