You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.