so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.